Secret Things

Maybe it is just me.
But I have those "secret things"
Things that I don't want to share with anyone because I want them all to myself.

I will be browsing the internet...and run across a website, a picture or a quote.
And I love it. But part of me doesn't want to share with anyone.
I feel that if I share something I love so much with others (I am not naive, I know that other people have seen it) But I guess I feel it will show to much of who I am.

I have like two post on my tumblr, that I can't make myself post.

I have favorite books, places, moments, memories... sometimes I even have a hard time sharing music. There are songs that I refuse to put on mix cd's. not because I don't love them. But because I love them a little too much.

It reminds me of being a kid. And having that secret stash of stuff that was all yours.
and something inside of you wanted to keep that secret, keep it sacred.

So is it just me? or do you also have those things that you love so much you can't share them?

My most favorite part of the day.

It tends to come right after I get off work. Sometimes it has to wait till after I have run errands (the bank, Grocery store... etc.)
But usually it happens right after I get off work.
I get into my car, and take my shoes off.
There it is, such a small simple thing. But it really is the highlight of my day.
If you go look in my car right now I can promise there are probably half dozen pairs of shoes.
I really do have a strange relationship with shoes.
I love cute shoes... unless they are heels.
I refuse to wear heels, some part of me feels like I am lying to people if I wear them.
But I really hate wearing them.
My friends laugh at me because if there is ever a chance for me to not wear shoes, I take it.
I will be walking around downtown and after about 3 blocks, I just cannot do it anymore. The shoes HAVE to come off.
I drive barefoot, first thing I do at church is take my shoes off, and I can count on one hand the number of times I have walked from my car into my house with shoes on.

Pretty much anywhere that doesn't have a "No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service" sign... you will find me barefoot

Nightmares

I hate nightmares.
unfortunately I have been getting them pretty often.
Sometimes it is me being in a panic running away from something, sometimes it is lots and lots of car accidents. But majority of the time it is someone close to me being injured or killed or harmed in some way.

I get stuck in these moments of panic, of raw emotion.
I am so stuck in the dream, but there comes a moment when I become acutely aware that I am dreaming but cannot wake up, It is like being stuck in a box. I try to wake-up and start fighting to get out.

When I finally do I am sobbing and gasping for air.
Waking up is almost worst than the dream itself, Because you are unsure if it actually happened. Did I actually just witness this? was it a dream? or was it one of those bizarre future telling dreams?

It takes me almost all day to start getting over it, to get back to "normal"
And than it will be almost time to head to bed again.
I wish I could find a formula for how to have a sleep void of terrors.
I don't understand it, and it ends up bringing out the worst in me... making me edgy, and just makes me want to punch people. Than I don't sleep, which makes it worst.
It is not a nice spiral to go through.
Trying to breathe deep.

Being uniquely You...

So lately I have been struck by the beauty of being unique.
It amazes me how so very different we all are.
And I think all to often we allow those differences to come between us, to cause strife in our relationships and friendships. I know it does for me, most of the time I let the little things people do annoy or aggravate me.
So I am trying my hardest to celebrate the differences, It isn't easy.
especially if you spend alot of time with someone, then those things can quickly get on your nerves.
But lately I have been doing some reading about learning styles, and personalities.
And it just amazes me how very different we all are, Even if you just look at my family alone (yes I know there are 9 of us kids) But we all have such different personalities.

We all learn differently, we all process differently.
And it is so beautiful to think of, How we all play a part in making things work.

So I guess without making this long and drawn out (mainly because I am getting tired)
Be yourself, Stop comparing yourself to others.
You are wonderful the way you are.
So be uniquely yourself!

Hear us from Heaven?

If you ever watch me during Church service (mainly focusing on the musical worship part)
You will see me stop singing and get a almost confused look on my face.

So often I am confused by the lyrics we are singing.
I do the same thing with regular music, I will be singing along to a song and suddenly realize what the lyrics say. I want to know what the writer was thinking of while writing.
What was their inspiration? Do they realize how dumb/shallow their lyrics are?

Well when it comes to "worship" music...
I often wonder if what we are singing makes sense.
So often I feel that those songs are a good idea, but that when broken down they seem fake or possibly even spiritually incorrect.

I was really thinking about this last week.
We sang "Hear us from Heaven"
I like the song. have sang it for years
But I started thinking about the lyrics "Hear us from Heaven"
Isn't the whole story of Christianity that Christ is with us always?
I live my life like that. Always kinda assuming that he is following me along.
I think those lyrics sound good. But it sounds like we are striving to much.
Like screaming, Jesus! Jesus! Listen to me.
Seems like alot of work.
But when I think of Jesus/God they just are
I don't have to strive to to get attention.


I am not saying I won't sing those lyrics ever.
It just made me think.
Which I think is the point.
So maybe listen to the lyrics next time you sing.
You might be challenged to think differently.

A brain full of Spaghetti

I hate when people are talking about REAL topics, like having a real discussion.
Because I can never put my 2 cents in.
(I know you are probably thinking to yourself... "Katie, You are loud and outspoken... why can't you put your 2 cents in?")
I have the hardest time thinking in straight lines... My thoughts are like a bowl of spaghetti.
They swirl around, never knowing where one thought ends and the next starts.
it takes me so long to process what I want to say, that by the time I do... The moment has passed.

I get so frustrated, Because I feel like people think I am immature, and uninformed.
That is not the case, I just all to often say the middle of my thought... and it makes me come off as ignorant. I hate it. I realize that this is often the reason I avoid talking about "serious" issues. Because I cannot articulate my thoughts.

I think I have really good Ideas, I just can't make them make sense.
That is why I have started writing, it might not be the best thing ever written.
but it helps me get the swirling thoughts out of my head and makes me organize them in some way.

So I guess it turns out I am learning new things about myself after all.

Songs

So The Clack family likes music... ALOT.
Mommi always secretly hoped that we would be like The Von Trapp family.
No such luck.
But boy to we enjoy our music anyway.

We LOVE to rewrite the lyrics to songs.
"Dude, looks like a lady" very quickly has become Drew, (my 16 yo brother) looks like a Lady
"My Wish" by Rascal Flatts is always sung as "My Fish, for you..." haha always cracks me up.
"Janie's got a Gun" was re-done as... Katie's got a Gun (Which comes from the story my Siblings told our neighbor, He was being a bully... So they told him that I kept a shotgun in my closet. Now it is a huge family joke.)

And, Back a few years ago, Mom started getting fed up with hearing "Mom, Mom, Mommi!" ALL of the time. So she "changed" her name to Silvia. And would only respond when we called her that. Which of course resulted in a great many rewrites.
"Silvia, don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys"
"Silvia, I just killed a man, put a gun against his head pulled my trigger now he's dead"
"I saw Silvia kissing Santa Claus"
You get my drift.

We also really enjoy Family Singalongs.
They are a little more rare than they used to be. Mostly because they used to happen when we were traveling somewhere. Which rarely happens that we are all together anymore. And also the radio in the Mini-Van hates us. But sometimes we will just jam out in the house, complete with air guitar's and all.
Some of our favorite songs were/are "Mr. Mom" by Lonestar, "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen, "Crazy Train" by Ozzy Osbourne
Amber (my older sister) and I used to drive around in high school and LOVED when "I will survive" came on. and would sing it at the top of our voices with the windows down.
And I think one of our favorites "Our Finest Hour" by Philmore
It is the best! cause no one really knows the words except the chorus. And it has great solo's for our air guitars!

But now our new thing is The Ipod Game! (said in a crazy annoying game show host kind of voice) it is our version of Karaoke.
So you put on the head phones, pick a song and sing.
Sounds easy right? WRONG! You think you know the words to a song... you don't.
It is actually hilarious (except when Mom plays, she can actually sing. And picks good songs. So it is never funny) But last time I decided to pick "Beat it" I mean how can you go wrong with Micheal Jackson? It did not turn out good. Turns out the only words I really knew were... Beat it.

haha. Such good times!