My head is fuzzy.
My heart hurts.
My stomach is turning.
I constantly feel like I am going to cry.
it came out of no where.
one second I was fine and the next I felt like I had been hit over the head.
I feel numb, nothing is effecting me.
I was at work today, smiling, pretending.
I guess it is a good thing I can act.
I have had years of practice, faking.
Acting happy when the world seems to be falling apart.
Acting confident when I feel insecure.
But nothing seems to be keeping the demons at bay this time.
My dearest friend came over last night.
and kept my mind off of things for a few hours.
but once she left, the darkness/funk crept in again.
I feel like a Ice Queen.
nothing can touch the iciness of my heart and mind.
Not even the music is chasing the shadows away this time.
Typically that is the one thing I know can feed my soul.
but it's not helping today.
I fill like I am falling. lost and alone.
where are the arms to catch me?
who can save me from this despair?
I have never wanted to curl up and sleep it all away before.
but it seems to be hitting hard.
and the worst part about it is I don't know why.
normally I can pin point why I feel this way.
but I don't have a reason.
I don't like this.
HOw do I say this ... it is SO difficult to read about this darkness that is chasing you. I would take every minute of pain for you; I'd rather it be me. I know how to deal with it.
ReplyDeleteBut I can't and I don't know what to say. I feel as helpless as those around me feel when the gray clouds return to me.
I don't want you to feel like you shouldn't have written it though ... even though it could be weird to have your mom reading. It's good to get it out there, to be honest, authentic.
I will say again though, as difficult as it may seem, try not to obsess over the reasons why. Analyzing it too much can just make it worse.
Here are the things that I know help me:
I have to move, make myself get up, take a walk.
Eat well ... be careful of the sugar.
Try to continue with normal activity ... I know nothing is normal since you have been unemployed and I know there may still be changes in your future but the things you can keep consistent, keep consistent.
Love you,